I want someone to tell me that woh deewaneh ki tara mujse pyaar karte hain.

Sometimes I long for the person I used to be. He seems so far removed from what I am now that in my mind there is a clear distinction between myself in the past and the present, almost as if to suggest that we are completely different individuals. But I do not wish that I was still that way because there is no chance in hell of him being able to stand tall in the face of the adversity that I have have been subjected to. Somewhere along the line I have had to change drastically and I know its for the better, be it for myself or others.
If I have the potential to change back, I hope I never know.


I want to join a nunnery

I used to believe that my desire for emancipation lay in the revelation of my sexuality, and therefore my desire to live freely as I wanted without societal or familial pressures bearing down on me, but more recently I’ve realised that isn’t necessarily the case. Through discovering myself I have found a way in which to look at the world in a new light, and how to perceive people and how they treat me. I identified myself as Other long ago and through this alienation I have been able to take a step back and observe my life through a third person perspective. I realise now that I am surrounded by individuals that will make me unhappy no matter what they do because they are toxic. The environment they grew up in was toxic, and I see now that no matter what happens history is to repeat itself. I am too much like my father than I let myself admit, and I can see the same abusive relationship developing between myself and him that he had with his own father. I tried to break the cycle, I really did but I think that’s impossible now. I tried to be perfect, but that only lead to my shortcomings being amplified and mercilessly attacked. I tried to reason with my father using morality and religion, but that was thrown back at my face as i was called disrespectful and ungrateful. Some people don’t change no matter how much you want them to and it breaks my heart a thousand times over to see that because of this one man I see my own destruction. Because of one person, I cannot stand to be in this house any longer than is absolutely necessary. I have to leave. I have to do something because it’s not about me being able to be myself anymore, it’s about me surviving and i won’t survive in this place. I will either leave here or die here.

eid mubarak.

I’m not even excited for Eid. Tbh i just want this whole summer to be over and done with so i can sleep.

Sometimes i want a lobotomy

Urgh I just want to live inside books.